I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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