if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
