the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
