forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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