Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
