It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
