thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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