I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
