You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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