a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
