someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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