I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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