Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
