I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
