you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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