he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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