For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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