I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
