1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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