dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
