Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
