Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
