Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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