I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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