i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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