i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
