guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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