Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
