mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
You LOVE me.
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