Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wish there were birth control emojis
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
