I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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