Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
