Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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