you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
