Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
