I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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