he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
