guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
