i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize