Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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