The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
