girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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