It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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