I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
