I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
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I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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