I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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