I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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