So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
