Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
