I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My liver just had a heart attack.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
