Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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