One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
