We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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