my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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