Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
