He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
