I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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